So my last blog was inspired by a group founded by a friend i lost contact with for about 40 years. Long story short for those not wanting to read the previous blog is that on returning home from school one day my mother got me into the car and we moved away as my parents had decided to split. It was sure better than watching or listening to them fight all the time. The downside was that my friends had no idea, nor did they have a way to contact me. parents being parents gave me the age old speech about making new friends at the new school. frankly not what i wanted to hear nor did it happen.
So over time i forgot names or they were stored deep in the memory. I missed these people. They were the first people outside of the family that i had bonded with and ok maybe at the time i did not realise how much they meant to me, but over the ever growing years i sure found that out.
The thing is i blamed and still do, but less so now, i blamed myself for losing contact. i often thought was there more i could have done to let them know i was ok and an address to write to. I guess to this day that still haunts me and is a demon in the cupboard so to speak.
Anyway 2016 was no great year, but things could have been worse. then i get a friend request on Facebook from a name i instantly remembered as an old school friend. I could not believe it, what was even more strange is that he was friends with my cousin and had been for years without even knowing the connection. obviously did not interrogate her enough when boozing haha
Again long story short (read my other blogs haha) some blasts from the past came back into my life as facebook friends after 40 years! To my shame some of them i remembered, some i just remembered their names and most shocking of all some names did not even register, but they remembered me so that was good enough. After all how many people do you know with my name, was then and still is well fat and whose dad ran the pub just down the road from the school? sort of narrows it down quite a bit
Most of these friends went like i did to Highdown School
a bit different today than in my day for sure.
One of my friends recently invited me to join a Facebook group for those from Caversham Primary school and also those who then went to Highdown. i joined thought i might catch up with one or 2 others from my past. It dont happen all that often, but i was wrong and sizeable amounts of old friends and some new ones too came back or into my life through this group. for this i am grateful beyond words, but it has brought back not just good memories, although mostly them, but at least one other nagging one. the guilt of not trying more to get in contact back in the day with friends. how different my life would have been with at least some of them as pen pals.
I love the group and all that goes on within it. for me its like being back at school again with all the banter and talk about this and that of the day and it emotionally makes my heart sing for the most part. Oh and believe me its better my heart sings than i do as i have a voice that can clear a room in moments haha.
one thing is when i am talking with some of them i am talking like i would with people i have been friends with all the time and not with a 40 year gap in between. With that the old guilt come back with the what ifs. Believe me it will not change me within the group and with my new found old friends and the new friends i did not know from back then.
The thing is i was told something this morning that has pushed me into emotional overload or meltdown not really sure which. He told me that a few days after i stopped going to Highdown him and a couple of friends stumped up the courage and went and knocked on the door of my dad’s pub.
He told them i would not be going back to the school and that he would inform the school in due course. What he did not do was ask them if they wanted an address or telephone number to contact me. To add insult to injury he never told me either that they had come asking about me. Maybe if i had known then maybe it would have been a catalyst for me to write to the class where the teacher could have given out an address to any who wanted it.
Since i read that my head has been spinning and re running any and all possibilities if he had given out the address or if i had sent it knowing that my friends were concerned as to what happened
So this evening i am staying away from the group. left a message to say its nothing much and be back soon. Then i settled down and do what i always do. I write and in this case blog. Cant say my head is right now, but its easier. Before i took to writing i would vent in other ways like hitting the bottle and what a mistake that really was.
To you my friends know this. One day i will come back for a visit or more and to each and every one i will hug you and tell you what you mean to me now and to those from back in the day, what you meant to me then.
I love you all