The photo is nothing to do with this blog really.

 

Right now i am having a bit of an emotional tug of war with myself. this has a lot to do with past schooling and the memories behind this.

Back in my early days of school, The Whitley school. Emmer Green Primary and Highdown, I have very limited memories of these schools and to say the least not always good. during 2 of the schools i was punched in the mouth 5 times. ” at Emmer Green and 3 at Highdown. Now dont get me wrong, i was a right spoilt shit back then and deserved all i got. i hold no blame or ill will against anyone other than myself.

I also have some nicer memories too and some strange ones like a boy on the first year at highdown who would think nothing of getting his meat out under the desk in class. strange and mildly amusing too. I am sure there are better ways to entice the girls, or maybe i am wrong.

As i have said in recent blogs i have recently caught up with some of my friend from back in those days, no not the meat desk man haha.

Then there was a Facebook group where some i know and some i dont know from back them have gotten together to share memories. This has been good and at times tough for me too. It has helped me to talk with and remember people i thought i had forgotten and this was and is good, but it has its down sides too. Thinking about and remembering my parents fighting that ultimately caused me to leave Highdown. Remembering the deserved beatings i got and at Emmer Green one teacher telling me to grow up after i had been punched and my lip as always split, but they all lead onto the other school i went to.

At this new school i went to i was an outsider. i come from a different place. it was claimed i spoke with an accent. i was pushed around and bullied something rotten. I have never been a strong person, nor a brave one. probably why i always came off second best in a fight. one of the low lights of  my time at the school was when i was threatened by a girl before she stuck her knee where it dont belong.

At the start of my 3rd year i decided to skip school. i wanted to go back to Reading, where although i still did not like school it was less bad than this one. i managed to get away with 6 weeks solid off of school before i was found out.

When i returned to the school, where things like the cane and slipper were still used the punishment given to me was to suffer the ridicule from the other kids. The nicer ones were impressed i got away with it, but those who had been bullying me, well they decided to make up for lost time. probably one of the worst things was when one hit me in the face and arms with the thorny stems of roses that grew in the school. When i reported it i was replied to with “and what do you expect me to do about it?”

Something else happened that was very dark in my life at that time, but i am no way strong enough to even think about telling anyone about it. Last time i tried i dived into a bottle of vodka and continued to drink heavily for months after. I dont need or want to go to that place again. on the plus side of things it would stop the blogs.

Anyway back to the bullying. one day while on break one of the bullies came up to me in the class i was waiting for. Bad timing for him. he started on me. i grabbed him by the tie, swung him round and threw him up against the windows. I then fired a punch at him, but as i realised punching his head through the glass would be bad, my punch went just by his ear smashing the glass behind him. He peed himself on the spot. Naturally and again deservedly so i got in a crap load of trouble. One thing it did was stop the bullying. the people that had been doing it would turn and go in the other direction or stay away from me. I am in no way proud of what i did, but he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

One thing that has followed me from school is guilt. Guilt at leaving Highdown without giving my friends a way to contact me. Guilt from what happened with the bully and guilt from the dark place i cant talk about. I can not shed this guilt. I am sorry for some of the things, but the guilt still follows me.

One thing has come to me this week, is from the group. I love it, but with memories being so sketchy from back then. I see the photos and listen to what people are saying from back then, but for me there is mostly a missing element. What is it? ME. ok i understand that as i was not there for long that school experiences and other experiences would not have much of me in them and thats ok, but it does make me feel like i am on the outside edge looking in. This is making me feel strange for sure.

I have had my issues down the years and now i am finding that i am looking at these issues again. I know what i need to help, but its not possible, so i have to try and deal as best as i can. my way may work, but if it is the right or the wrong way to deal with it? well i dont know. I am sure people will have their thoughts on the matter, just as long as they dont know whats going on inside my uncle ned, well they just cant know.

I am not a strong person, never way and never will be. My choice of what to do? Leave the group. I dont think its right but maybe just maybe it will be less hard for me to deal with.

To my friends, in the group or not, this is not a mark against any of you, its just me going back to a personal restore point where i can try  and go back to a calmer place. Its not that i dont want contact from these friends from my past as i really dont want to lose you again, but i cant get my head right at this moment in time and even the writing of this blog that normally helps, well its not so much this time.

Sorry its a bit doom and gloom but feel its only right to explain myself in a way i would find it very hard to do in direct contact or even face to face.

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