Hello my name is Ivor and i am messed up. Haha ( sorry this will be a bit longer than my normal ones and sorry again for using a bad word, but you will see why)
Define messed up and you could find me i guess. This is a deeper look at me. Some of my friends might know some of this, but for sure not all. That is not a down point on them, but because some things i play close to my chest. Its not that i don’t trust my friends, but some things i feel that even they would not understand if i told them. I now believe that maybe they would, but that ship has sailed so to speak
I am adopted. I was put into a home at the age of 6 months for my own safety. I was adopted at the age of 3 and a half, but those i call mum and dad. Once i was old enough mum always told me i was adopted and i remember her introducing me as her adopted son. This was fine with me as it as far as i know did not change the person i was/am, well not at that time.
When i was about 12 my parents split. I came home from school and was told to get in the car and we left. Me and mum that was. It did leave me a bit at sixes and sevens as and i remember asking, but what about my friends? I got the standard reply, you will make new ones. Ok so i did but the friends i was making at the school i had been at were if you like my first real meaningful friendships. People that did not treat me different because i was fat, had a name that could be made fun of or any of that. I would have been happy if i could have got one of them my new home address to keep in contact. In this past year i have found/they found me after a very long time. More about that in another blog. Damn i am good at giving myself more blogs to do haha
After a few months at the new house i was still struggling to handle that my parents had split. If i was lucky dad would phone me once a month. As for seeing him? Rocking horse poop mean anything? It got to the point i started to skip school. I ended up skipping for 3 whole months.
I don’t know if it had anything to do with anything but i found it very hard to make friends at this new school and found that i was preferring time by myself to time with my friends.
When i left school and because it was just me and my mum, so we did not have the money for me to go onto college. I went into the work place, but because of pants exam results i could not get to do the jobs i wanted and was even refused for the military too. So i found myself pretty much friendless and penniless too. I got a job working at a video library
To cut a long story short i was coursed into stealing blank video tapes, they were very expensive back then, and selling them to 2 customers. I was caught and went to court where i got 2 years conditional discharge and a large fine. As i was still 17 on the court date i was told it would not go onto a permanent record after i served my sentence, which meant i had to be a good boy at football and not tell the ref what i thought of yet another rubbish decision.
After this i went out even less and the boredom and loneliness really kicked in. What to do now. I started to self harm. I don’t want to go into details, but to start with i tried a few different ways to hurt myself. Thing is at heart i am a coward and so i never did anything big.
When i got older and back into work i stopped the self harm and instead turned to drink. Drinking beer has always got me drunk quickly and i did not much care for the taste so i started on vodka.
I did go and work for my father and his second wife, in their pub, but that was really a 2 year living nightmare. Think i tried most drinks while there. 8 days after my 19th birthday, New Years eve, one of the regulars offered me a drink of gin. I declined saying i did not like it. The guy shouted over to my father, “Oi Gordon, your son aint like you is he?” the reply? And i still relive it. “ He aint my son he is fucking adopted!” there was 150 to 200 people in the bar and you could have heard a pin drop. Ok so i knew it, but it was the way it was delivered that hit home. A few years later i found out he had don’t the same to my sister. For a couple of months or so until i got out of there i really started to drink. Jim Beam was a favourite, but Jack Daniels was up there. Worst one was Pernod blackcurrant orange juice and lemonade. Sounds horrible but really is not.
My drinking went into overdrive around 91 or 92. Vodka and the cheap stuff. One day i was paid my wages for the month and it failed to cover half my overdraft. It was then i woke up to my drinking problem. From that day it was 18 months before i had another drink. I have had an odd one or 2 since then, but i try and stay out of pubs and clubs. I have had about 5 drinks in the last 6 years and don’t miss it at all.
Once i give up the drink i went back to self harm. This went on until the early 2000s until i had my nipples pierced! That was very painful, but fun too. I accidentally ripped one out and the other got a serious infection. This all ended when i moved to Thailand.
Here in Thailand i still find i have some problems. I get down because i feel lonely at times. OK so i can and do talk to Thais who speak English, but i have to think hard to choose the right words so that these people understand what i am saying, but when the Mrs is at work i can go a couple of days without talking to anyone. Its normally why i annoy the crap out of all of you just to have a chat where i can talk without the thinking bit. It helps alot.
One other thing i find helps is writing. In the past i have written for websites of ill repute. They always seemed to be well received, but it was not something that paid so i stopped. I am and have been writing a couple of fiction novels, but i don’t get enough time right now. So i now focus on these blogs.
I would not have re-started these if it had not been for Rowan and his Vlog site on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIOvzQ-GzlblGym6tnRGvGA
I have watched a lot of Vlogs about Thailand and his i find to be different and good a different style and a freshness that is very refreshing. Well worth checking his channel. After leaving a comment we got to be friends. He is a very nice guy. If you do check him out be sure to leave a comment and let him know where you found out about him.
All in all i think i am more stable these days, i have my moments and my struggles still but i try to get by as best i can. I have good friends who don’t even know when they are helping me, but more about friends and friendships in another blog.
Take care and for those who have problems please understand you are never alone.